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Monday, February 28, 2011

Cheryl Cole: The new American X Factor… helper

Cheryl Cole: The new American X Factor… helper

Cheryl USA X Factor news rumors gossip

I don’t know why I’m taking such perverse pleasure in this. Cheryl Cole has been offered the role of Simon’s little helper on American X Factor. How can this be true? It can’t be so, she’s gonna be a judge sitting in the middle seat like J Lo showing off her legs and crying, isn’t she?

Didn’t the News of the World tell us she’d just signed a £10million contract ? (Don’t look at me sweethearts I’ve never spent a Rupert pound in my life.) Wots this? The Mail said something about it too?

Didn’t they all darling, how those pink pooed pantie-etters in Fleet street raced a girls gallop to Cowell’s jockey shorts and back to write for us the very last word in show biz groove. How they preened and sputtered in their made it up finery, and everyone knew of course, from the top of Heat towers to the dark corners of Wapping willies listening room, they all knew, that Cheryl ‘DEFO HAD THAT JUDGES SEAT.’

Everyone except me. Nobody told me anything.

Guess what? She hasn’t got the job. Why… because Fox bosses can’t understand a word she says, they’ve confused her with the tea lady and have stubbornly refused to accept Syco’s protests that nobodies perfect.

In fairness to Fox they said from the very start a nobody isn’t perfect and they wanted a somebody…. a somebody who speaks American.

So Syco has used Cowelery to get Cheryl Cole a job, any job. And the job is – helper !

Like Sinitta, Simon’s little helper.

The only bucks Cheryl Cole can the make from stars in America is probably a Starbucks – to go.


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